Super scientific and serious ☀️

WEDNESDAY | 7.23.25

Jul 23, 2025

Mallory recently disclosed that she was bitten by a sea turtle. Mal is the creative director on the team. We don’t know the details or specifics at this time around the reported biting, nor do we condone biting sea turtles back, but we thought you might like to know about what happens when a sea turtle gives you a love bite on the heel, which according to Mallory feels like a lil pinch from a leprechaun for not wearing green, or a large crab. Symptoms and superpowers gained include, but are not limited to:

Shellphone communication: The ability to communicate with marine life through seashells
Ancient turtle wisdom
Built-in GPS
Sudden urges to bury your friends in sand
Buoy oh buoy, you love buoys
Flipper hands on demand. Like Wolverine, but cuter
Sand fan: A new appreciation for sand. Sand in your eyes and in your britches. Doesn't even matter.
The ability to hold your breath for extended periods of time and sleep underwater
Oils in your skin attract jellyfish (not all superpowers are great)
Thingamabobs? You got 20
The spontaneous urge to spurt out "I like turtles"
Salt water cravings. Stay hydrated
Seaweed cravings. Stay chill

(Disclaimer: Please do not disturb sea turtles, as it is illegal to touch a sea turtle in the wild. And while some may be friendly and cute, they can bite when feeling threatened, or that's what the Internet says.)

“Weirdness is not my game. I'm just a square boy from Wisconsin.” Happy belated birthday, Mr. Dafoe.

We’re Going on a Trip

While we haven’t met anyone who’s been bitten by a whale per se, for $9 a month, there’s a good chance you could go on a once-in-a-lifetime whale watching trip to Montauk, New York and become the first. Learn more.

Do It for the Trees

If you’re in the market for a good deed, here’s an easy one: Watch this YouTube video, and a gentleman named Beau will plant a tree. Because you can never have too many of ‘em.